Its January 1998 my then wife is pregnant, I get a call from her saying she is bleeding and going to hospital so I pack up my tools and let her know I will meet her at the hospital , Nothing to worry about I say she’s spotted before and this will be our third child…….
This is the point my whole world stopped and I would change forever.. 4 days in hospital no sleep; my mom by my side 24 hours a day. My wife drugged up so much she is barely conscious, steroids to promote the baby’s lungs she is only 24 weeks, we have to get her to 30 weeks we were told.
My wife was 25 weeks pregnant, we were advised by the doctors he could be blind, disabled, the list went on. I was on my own, my wife was as good as unconscious, a decision had to be made, my mom just said; whatever decision I make would be the right one, time stood still.
It was explained that he may already be dead and or need a vast amount of operations and there was always that question of Quality of Life, would he even have one?? So, there it is QUALITY OF LIFE..
I chose not to have the crash team there when he was born and just let the will of life take its course and see what prevails.
That fateful day, the 7th February 1998 Sean was born, he took just a few short breaths, he was perfectly formed and beautiful then he passed away….
Now I pick up the pieces I have to be strong, after all I can’t let my 2 daughters down, I can’t let my wife down.
My full bucket of problems was now overflowing, we ticked along trying to come to terms with what had happened but no answers came.
It is now January 2000 my wife is now 19 weeks pregnant not planned but maybe this is the answer to all the pain..
Kirsty was born dead another premature baby, again perfectly formed but at only 20 weeks on the 19th January.
Numb! Yes Numb! How do I tell my 2 beautiful daughters that again they won’t have a sibling to play with, we said goodbye to her a week later.
No parent should ever have to bury their children..
Guilt has now hit me. It’s all my fault, I should have looked after my wife better! but I know that was grief talking..
We tick along…………….My wife goes to SANDS for counselling, I didn’t go as I have to be strong..
We tick along………..
Then a miracle happened my son Michael was born on 25th January 2002
My wife had been in hospital for 7 months whilst I juggled 2 kids and a full time job. The bucket is truly overflowing and without my mom, well I know I couldn’t of done it.
I tick along………..but no matter how much joy my 3 children gave me I still felt guilty over Sean but not Kirsty, I can’t get the thought out of my head that I made the wrong decision.
I tick along……..I throw myself into my family and my hobby of Koi Keeping.
2003 I start to import koi from Japan and it’s going great! I open a shop, all is good but still can’t get it out of my head that I made the wrong decision.
Guilt is really dragging me down now…
2007 we closed the business as it was causing marital problems.
2008 we split up as my depression still not diagnosed, finally finishes us off.
2009 The lowest point in my life and I will never allow myself to return to it.
I decided my family was better off without me, my mom owned a mobile home in Newquay Wales
It is now September 2009 and I travel on my own to the mobile home on the Saturday and decided that on the Wednesday I will end it! (yes I was that calm about it).
The Wednesday came I got up, went in to Newquay Bay to have some chips one last time, I sat on a bench eating my chips still feeling calm,
The bay has bottle nose dolphins which came in to play, it is a true sight to behold.
So, I’m sitting on the bench and see 2 dolphins come in to the bay and you could see them so clearly. As I ate my chips watching the dolphins play I thought, how wonderful it was and that I must tell the kids what a beautiful sight I saw.
That moment there! was like a hammer blow!!
I came home and sought help, Counselling for 8 weeks to feel even more guilty. Anti depressants, Citalopram first 10mg then 20mg then 30mg ashamed of what I have become, nothing could move me I barely functioned.
2010 I still feel guilty, why oh why did I not get the crash team in.
Can’t Shake the Depression.
I try self hypnosis from some books I’d bought a few years back, it helped but not enough, I looked at learning hypnosis but too costly, I went on with my life not great just surviving what more can you ask for.
2011 I’m feeling ok within myself but was still on medication, then I started to lower my dose and eventually came off them altogether but there it is still, GUILT! Why did I not get the crash team there..
Then I met a lovely lady whom I’m still with, she somehow puts up with me..
I’m on my knees financially and emotionally but she says she sees something in me, a great and confident man that was once there.
Her bonkers infuriating ways made me look up again and I realise that I’m not all bad but there it is GUILT… Why oh why did I not get the crash team there.
February 2015 I finally get the chance to learn hypnosis not a great course but I had the basics.
February 2016 I get on a decent course and get my Diploma from Sean Casey Poole and meet some wonderful people.
I tick along doing windy staircase waterfall scripted hypnosis and did get great results but I knew there had to be better ways and quicker. I then stumbled on Karl Smiths course through a hypnosis friend who had attended his course on Kinetic Shift. I attended the course in York 2016 where I meet amazing people and now call them friends and I would say for me it was a life changing weekend, as on this weekend my Guilt Stopped..
The technique karl showed us was utterly brilliant but I wasn’t willing to try it on such an epic thing in my life just in case the tears flowed. Then..
Lorna Harvey and I were practicing when I said to her it was a 10.. She went through it perfectly and then it was gone!! I was shocked, stunned, no tears just joy.
I inboxed Lorna afterwards to tell her a bit about my story but mainly to thank her, but I truly want to thank Karl Smith who I can now call my friend.
I now treat clients from the heart and not from a script.
I am now continuing my growth as a hypnotherapist treating all manner of problems.
I am continuing my journey with No Guilt and No more ticking along.
More learning in 2017
I now shoot from the heart and every client gets my heart.
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